After crying myself to sleep last night, I started to wonder...what are jobs that I would kick ass at doing?

1. Professional Sleeper I would sleep circles around those other people getting paid to sleep. I would sleep SO HARD...those guys wouldn't know what hit 'em.
2. Artisan and distributor of Red Neck arts and crafts. I don't think people fully appreciate the artwork of the blue collar man. Who ever said that hub cap wind chimes weren't beautiful? Who would deny a handmade hope chest filled with the finest of porcelain dolls that may or may not be farmers? Yeah, I mean, their eyes are kind of creepy, but we're going for "life like", people.
3. Your average crazy prostitute. Now see, I could be one rich fucking hooker. Mostly because I have low standards. Oh, and fuck condoms. I want to feel my daddy issues melt away with your hard dick inside me.
4. Coca Cola ad campaign pitcher Come on...anyone can do this fucking soulless job. "I'd like to buy a world a coke...and chill with it a while." Have you seen that shit? What an asshole. What a fucking ASSHOLE.
5. Scientology Recruiter. Tom Cruise doesn't have SHIT on me. I get off on convincing people to join a cult. I mean, there's money involved. It's a pyramid scheme! What ever happened to those? They were making people RICH! Knock Scientology all you want...but joining a religious sect that was based on a joke by a famous Science Fiction novelist is GENIUS. Also, you're made up of alien shit or something. That spells "awesome" in my book.
6. Televangelist. Man...I've always dreamed of having two pools, three vacation homes, a room full of naked children, several golden camels, a giant painting of myself in a power pose, and a shit ton of people who worship me, and not what I preach about. I think I could probably hook that up if I mustered the strength to use more hairspray.
7. Fast Food Window lady. Obviously people are struggling to do this job right. Well, I'd surrender my glitter chaps and pointy heels to strap on the hat and apron, just to get someone's order correct when they ask for, "a cheese burger with no ketchup". I might have a pretty little picture of myself on the wall congratulating me for a month of success if I play my cards right.
8. Picture of myself maker. They call that a self-portrait, but my way takes longer and is more difficult to say, so that means it's better and smarter, like Linux. Also, I am seeing a theme here and shouldn't sell myself short on my biggest dream: me.

Back To School Aptitude Career Placement Test and Essay/Pop Quiz

Take one and pass it back. Only #2 Pencil please, and do not look at the test until the rest of the class has a copy. Begin.

1. If you were able to eat your weight in diamonds, would you:
A) Crap Rainbows
B) Be The Leader of A Sovereign Nation
C) Tell Scott Lee the CEO of WAL*MART to suck your dick
D) Have the ability to hook up some fine poon tang

2. Two trains are scheduled to leave Boston at 2 pm. One train is carrying 40 tons of textiles to be outsourced to migrant workers and traveling a mere 100 mph. The other train is empty, but has a suspicion of having a few free-loading hobos and harmonica players hitching a ride in the caboose. Which train will be exempt from tax write-offs?
A) My Local Public Transit
B) Tom Delay
C) The Hobo who forgot his harmonica and is the laughing stock of his peers
D) 42

3. Your best gal pal has been dating a super hot crushie she claims to be "the one" for several months. You catch him having a late night drink with a mysterious woman. Do you:
A) Call your best friend immediately and tell her not to wear the "fat dress". She'll know what you're talking about.
B) Laugh loud and proud because finally "Miss Perfect" got what was coming to her
C) Rent a few movies, get in your favorite pajamas and pig out on junk food. You're not going to let it bring your "girl night" down.
D) Find a way to tell your friend that perhaps she should reconsider getting Botox. She's not getting any younger, you know.

4. If cheese :: crackers, and toast :: jam, then George Bush :: ______?
A) Clear Channel
B) Lacy Panties
C) Tony Blair
D) Coal Mining...the new black

5. Short Essay: Explain why you or your local county's voting booths were solely responsible for fucking up this past election:

6. Other than the bottle opener key chain, what else did Thomas Edison invent?
A) Card Board Applicator Tampons
B) Pogs
C) The clever shape of a Honey Bear Jar
D) Black Face

7. Which of these statements is correct?
A) I ain't be tryin' to get no welfare
B) Jesus and I aren't interested in your Satanic beliefs.
C) Why come everybody think I so stupid?
D) Herpes or not; your never going to get anywhere with that attitude, Jimmy.

8. Sally just got a job selling strap-ons for 5 dollars an hour. If she works 40 hours a week and works for two weeks, she will:
A) Have barely enough to quit stripping...just long enough to keep her parents off her back.
B) Finally have enough cash to buy that new White Snake album she's been eyeing.
C) Enough money to quit...again...and finally go back to snorting coke off her boyfriend's ass.
D) It doesn't really matter. Her wages are being garnished for child support.

9. If x - y=4, and w + 3 = x, then what the fuck are you using the pythagorean theorem for?
A) Because Trig is hard
B) Because Algebra is hard
C) Because Pre Cal is hard
D) Because I just learned about Kramer's Rule.

10. Jose is a very hard worker. He gets 15 cents per 100 dolls that he makes. He only needs $5 a day to live comfortably and support his entire family. However, his American Supplier is pushing his sweat shop to lower their manual labor costs. How much could Jose afford to live off of if he were to double his production by 230%?
A) Why do I give a shit? He's all the way in another country.
B) He should be thankful that he HAS a job.
C) If he were to live off of rice and water, he could lower his cost to 9 cents per 130 dolls. If not, he might go out of business, and then were would his precious job be?
D) I don't understand...this shit actually happens?

Here's what your test results say about you!

Mostly A's:You're a real power house. You know exactly what to say, and how to say it. However, your daddy issues run far too deep to ever change. Your love color is Purple!

Mostly B's:You're a class act. No holes in YOUR pants, thank you very much. You love the arts and fine wines. However, you're negligent when it comes to regular VD check ups. Your power color is Aquamarine!

Mostly C's:Some call you naive...and that means Stupid. Take note of others laughing in your presence. It doesn't mean you're funny. Wear lots of Turquoise, as it has been known to cure AIDS!

Mostly D's:Did somebody say, narcissist? Of course not...you're too awesome to hear dirty comments like that. Stay beautiful, baby, and the rest will follow. Steer clear of the laundromat this weekend...that stalker is bound to be there. AGAIN.

Essay bonus points:
+10 for mentioning Swing States. I feel you.-10 for not understanding the question, as you feel like the past election was favorable