Sunday, June 25, 2006

And you thought Magic 8 Balls were awesome!

If learning about your spiritual/physical future is too difficult for you to bear because those nasty little demonic cards and horoscopes are too "evil" for you to look at...then look no further. Now, fortune telling has been made easier and 'cuter' for the weak of heart to embrace. No longer will you be frightened by iconic images of death, daggers, naughty pentacles and staves! IMAGINE...learning that your life will end horribly and painfully; not by a seeing something EVIL drawn on a card but by something CUTE! And you can giggle all the way to the bank, because this trend among fortune tellers has yet to catch on! Help us help YOU by helping the world help themselves to cute, pretty pictures so that no one has to relate to anything ever again!

From the makers of Sideways Printed Books (because you're too TIRED to tilt your head and read!) comes the newest revolution in psychic HISTORY! Tarot Cards for Non-Believers!

Afterall, today is the tomorrow you forgot about yesterday! And wouldn't you rather someone ELSE tell you about tomorrow instead of learning patience and the element of surprise? I thought so. Not so fast, Pagans! Sooner than you think, everything you hold precious will be raped, pillaged and destroyed in the name of God (Hello Kitty), just like we did to Canterbury!

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

So I'm not a huge drinker anymore and that is apparent as of late. I used to be able to put the shit DOWN, but now instead of being able to drink 10 beers, I can only drink 7.

Sunday evening, after the family shit was over, Chris, Blair and I went to see "Wolf Creek" which turned out to be the most boring/retarded movie of the year. Don't waste your money.

After the movie, feeling gypped, we decided to go to the Meridian Room to get some drinks. It was around 11 pm when the drinking started in full force. I had a glass of Shiraz and a shot of Jaeger (evil! Because it's gross). Find out my friend is bartending next door. I go to say hello.

EvilWells: You aren't drunk yet?
me: Nope
EvilWells: here, have this double shot of whiskey
me: Whiskey is my favorite! how did you know?

I drink the gargantuan whiskey shot because I'm not a pussy. I order a Fat Tire. I drink the Fat Tire.

EvilWells: Hey! Your eyes are glassy. You need more whiskey.
me: You're right!
EvilWells: and while you're at it, you should order another beer!
me: you evil temptress! (where I got her name) how right you are!

I drink another shot of whiskey, and get my second beer and sit at a table. Remembering that I have Tylenol in my purse, I go to the bathroom. Now I'm woozy. It's 12:15. I have consumed a lot in an hour and 15 minutes. I'm drunk.

EvilWells: you were in the bathroom for a while!
me: yyyup
EvilWells: you need whiskey!
me: uh-huh
EvilWells: want another shot?
me: shot in my face mouth
EvilWells: hahaha...yeah, you need another shot
me: and I want one of these go with my shot. Wait, what? Oh yeah, whiskey in my mouth.

pours another double shot of whiskey. I drink the shot. I look at Blair who is being kind and drinking the rest of my beer that I left on the table. I sit down.

me: Blair, I'm drunk
Blair: no shit
me: I need to go home. You want that beer?
Blair: I just drank it for you
me: probably good ideas. All of them good ideas. That bartender...she wants to kill me!
Blair: yeah, we're going to take you home.

We get in Blair's car, I'm riding shot gun with the window rolled down. The inevitable happens. I'd like to say that my kindness and keen eye for uncleanliness came into full gear and protected Blair's car from what was to happen; I'd like to say that I'm a 27-year-old who knows better than to drink that much in less than an hour and a half; I'd like to say many things. They are all lies. The most projectile of all whiskey-vomit spewed forth from my mouth to the dash board, the door, my jeans, my sweater, and all over Exposition Park. We pull over...I puke more. As soon as I am done, I say, "Merry Christmas!" I apologize profusely for puking in Blair's brand new car. We get home and I'm feeling well enough to start cleaning. My OCD's and Donna Reed reflexes are coming back to me...their power strengthening...I get some Grease Lightning! (my favorite cleaning product ever. It cleans EVERYTHING.) and paper towels. Clean the car, clean the car, clean the car. Chris and Blair leave to get more drinks. I puke again...this time, in the toilet. I may have missed a spot, but I ask you to tell me of a person who could clean up their own puke while that drunk?

SO, apparently I'm a fucking teenager. I have NEVER puked in someone's car before. EVER. Merry fucking Christmas.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

To Do List

  • Make a Christmas Wish List: Check

  • Masturbate with the Rotating Assmaster 3000: Double Check

  • Arrive Late to work: Check (see above)

  • Discover Cold Fusion: Pending

  • Harness Lightning Bolts for Wizardry Convention: You know it!

  • Become President of a Sovereign Nation: Paperwork under investigation

  • Start a Collection of David and Goliath action figures: OWNED!

  • Give a hand-job to a homeless man: Thrice

  • Knock over a lemonade stand: Every day. Those kids need to know about failure.

  • Make your first million off of hand made tin foil babies: $4.00 and counting!

  • Make a to-do list: Never in a million years. I don’t believe in itemized lists

  • Find a unicorn and have the wickedest sex with it: Legendary!

  • Audition for a strip club, cry, dance naked anyway, cry again, blame the crying on daddy issues, find a man who beats you regularly, quit crying so you don’t get beat regularly, and develop an eating disorder: Once a month for good measure.

  • Make a hat out of Styrofoam for the “Annual End of the Year Suicide and Alien B.B.Q Sauce-off”: too busy fucking unicorns…will get on this tomorrow.

  • Tell a skinny girl she's fat: done

  • Tell a fat girl she's fatter than the fat skinny girl: too confusing...will work on insults after done fucking unicorns
  • Friday, August 26, 2005

    After crying myself to sleep last night, I started to wonder...what are jobs that I would kick ass at doing?

    1. Professional Sleeper I would sleep circles around those other people getting paid to sleep. I would sleep SO HARD...those guys wouldn't know what hit 'em.
    2. Artisan and distributor of Red Neck arts and crafts. I don't think people fully appreciate the artwork of the blue collar man. Who ever said that hub cap wind chimes weren't beautiful? Who would deny a handmade hope chest filled with the finest of porcelain dolls that may or may not be farmers? Yeah, I mean, their eyes are kind of creepy, but we're going for "life like", people.
    3. Your average crazy prostitute. Now see, I could be one rich fucking hooker. Mostly because I have low standards. Oh, and fuck condoms. I want to feel my daddy issues melt away with your hard dick inside me.
    4. Coca Cola ad campaign pitcher Come on...anyone can do this fucking soulless job. "I'd like to buy a world a coke...and chill with it a while." Have you seen that shit? What an asshole. What a fucking ASSHOLE.
    5. Scientology Recruiter. Tom Cruise doesn't have SHIT on me. I get off on convincing people to join a cult. I mean, there's money involved. It's a pyramid scheme! What ever happened to those? They were making people RICH! Knock Scientology all you want...but joining a religious sect that was based on a joke by a famous Science Fiction novelist is GENIUS. Also, you're made up of alien shit or something. That spells "awesome" in my book.
    6. Televangelist. Man...I've always dreamed of having two pools, three vacation homes, a room full of naked children, several golden camels, a giant painting of myself in a power pose, and a shit ton of people who worship me, and not what I preach about. I think I could probably hook that up if I mustered the strength to use more hairspray.
    7. Fast Food Window lady. Obviously people are struggling to do this job right. Well, I'd surrender my glitter chaps and pointy heels to strap on the hat and apron, just to get someone's order correct when they ask for, "a cheese burger with no ketchup". I might have a pretty little picture of myself on the wall congratulating me for a month of success if I play my cards right.
    8. Picture of myself maker. They call that a self-portrait, but my way takes longer and is more difficult to say, so that means it's better and smarter, like Linux. Also, I am seeing a theme here and shouldn't sell myself short on my biggest dream: me.

    Thursday, August 25, 2005

    Back To School Aptitude Career Placement Test and Essay/Pop Quiz

    Take one and pass it back. Only #2 Pencil please, and do not look at the test until the rest of the class has a copy. Begin.

    1. If you were able to eat your weight in diamonds, would you:
    A) Crap Rainbows
    B) Be The Leader of A Sovereign Nation
    C) Tell Scott Lee the CEO of WAL*MART to suck your dick
    D) Have the ability to hook up some fine poon tang

    2. Two trains are scheduled to leave Boston at 2 pm. One train is carrying 40 tons of textiles to be outsourced to migrant workers and traveling a mere 100 mph. The other train is empty, but has a suspicion of having a few free-loading hobos and harmonica players hitching a ride in the caboose. Which train will be exempt from tax write-offs?
    A) My Local Public Transit
    B) Tom Delay
    C) The Hobo who forgot his harmonica and is the laughing stock of his peers
    D) 42

    3. Your best gal pal has been dating a super hot crushie she claims to be "the one" for several months. You catch him having a late night drink with a mysterious woman. Do you:
    A) Call your best friend immediately and tell her not to wear the "fat dress". She'll know what you're talking about.
    B) Laugh loud and proud because finally "Miss Perfect" got what was coming to her
    C) Rent a few movies, get in your favorite pajamas and pig out on junk food. You're not going to let it bring your "girl night" down.
    D) Find a way to tell your friend that perhaps she should reconsider getting Botox. She's not getting any younger, you know.

    4. If cheese :: crackers, and toast :: jam, then George Bush :: ______?
    A) Clear Channel
    B) Lacy Panties
    C) Tony Blair
    D) Coal Mining...the new black

    5. Short Essay: Explain why you or your local county's voting booths were solely responsible for fucking up this past election:

    6. Other than the bottle opener key chain, what else did Thomas Edison invent?
    A) Card Board Applicator Tampons
    B) Pogs
    C) The clever shape of a Honey Bear Jar
    D) Black Face

    7. Which of these statements is correct?
    A) I ain't be tryin' to get no welfare
    B) Jesus and I aren't interested in your Satanic beliefs.
    C) Why come everybody think I so stupid?
    D) Herpes or not; your never going to get anywhere with that attitude, Jimmy.

    8. Sally just got a job selling strap-ons for 5 dollars an hour. If she works 40 hours a week and works for two weeks, she will:
    A) Have barely enough to quit stripping...just long enough to keep her parents off her back.
    B) Finally have enough cash to buy that new White Snake album she's been eyeing.
    C) Enough money to quit...again...and finally go back to snorting coke off her boyfriend's ass.
    D) It doesn't really matter. Her wages are being garnished for child support.

    9. If x - y=4, and w + 3 = x, then what the fuck are you using the pythagorean theorem for?
    A) Because Trig is hard
    B) Because Algebra is hard
    C) Because Pre Cal is hard
    D) Because I just learned about Kramer's Rule.

    10. Jose is a very hard worker. He gets 15 cents per 100 dolls that he makes. He only needs $5 a day to live comfortably and support his entire family. However, his American Supplier is pushing his sweat shop to lower their manual labor costs. How much could Jose afford to live off of if he were to double his production by 230%?
    A) Why do I give a shit? He's all the way in another country.
    B) He should be thankful that he HAS a job.
    C) If he were to live off of rice and water, he could lower his cost to 9 cents per 130 dolls. If not, he might go out of business, and then were would his precious job be?
    D) I don't understand...this shit actually happens?

    Here's what your test results say about you!

    Mostly A's:You're a real power house. You know exactly what to say, and how to say it. However, your daddy issues run far too deep to ever change. Your love color is Purple!

    Mostly B's:You're a class act. No holes in YOUR pants, thank you very much. You love the arts and fine wines. However, you're negligent when it comes to regular VD check ups. Your power color is Aquamarine!

    Mostly C's:Some call you naive...and that means Stupid. Take note of others laughing in your presence. It doesn't mean you're funny. Wear lots of Turquoise, as it has been known to cure AIDS!

    Mostly D's:Did somebody say, narcissist? Of course're too awesome to hear dirty comments like that. Stay beautiful, baby, and the rest will follow. Steer clear of the laundromat this weekend...that stalker is bound to be there. AGAIN.

    Essay bonus points:
    +10 for mentioning Swing States. I feel you.-10 for not understanding the question, as you feel like the past election was favorable