After crying myself to sleep last night, I started to wonder...what are jobs that I would kick ass at doing?
1. Professional Sleeper I would sleep circles around those other people getting paid to sleep. I would sleep SO HARD...those guys wouldn't know what hit 'em.
2. Artisan and distributor of Red Neck arts and crafts. I don't think people fully appreciate the artwork of the blue collar man. Who ever said that hub cap wind chimes weren't beautiful? Who would deny a handmade hope chest filled with the finest of porcelain dolls that may or may not be farmers? Yeah, I mean, their eyes are kind of creepy, but we're going for "life like", people.
3. Your average crazy prostitute. Now see, I could be one rich fucking hooker. Mostly because I have low standards. Oh, and fuck condoms. I want to feel my daddy issues melt away with your hard dick inside me.
4. Coca Cola ad campaign pitcher Come on...anyone can do this fucking soulless job. "I'd like to buy a world a coke...and chill with it a while." Have you seen that shit? What an asshole. What a fucking ASSHOLE.
5. Scientology Recruiter. Tom Cruise doesn't have SHIT on me. I get off on convincing people to join a cult. I mean, there's money involved. It's a pyramid scheme! What ever happened to those? They were making people RICH! Knock Scientology all you want...but joining a religious sect that was based on a joke by a famous Science Fiction novelist is GENIUS. Also, you're made up of alien shit or something. That spells "awesome" in my book.
6. Televangelist. Man...I've always dreamed of having two pools, three vacation homes, a room full of naked children, several golden camels, a giant painting of myself in a power pose, and a shit ton of people who worship me, and not what I preach about. I think I could probably hook that up if I mustered the strength to use more hairspray.
7. Fast Food Window lady. Obviously people are struggling to do this job right. Well, I'd surrender my glitter chaps and pointy heels to strap on the hat and apron, just to get someone's order correct when they ask for, "a cheese burger with no ketchup". I might have a pretty little picture of myself on the wall congratulating me for a month of success if I play my cards right.
8. Picture of myself maker. They call that a self-portrait, but my way takes longer and is more difficult to say, so that means it's better and smarter, like Linux. Also, I am seeing a theme here and shouldn't sell myself short on my biggest dream: me.
Malachite Slice
4 years ago
5 comments:
i was hoping to see something like, professional hitman of mimes.
professional describer of pork products to jewish people.
the guy/gal who puts the cardboard subscription cards and advertisements in gay porn magazines.
and tittie bar vice-cop, patrolling and making sure all the pasties are on correctly and nobody is closer than 3 ft. during a lap dance.
Brent...the fact that you see so much potential in me brings a tear to my eye. A single tear. I delight in your honor. And who ever said that I never had that tittie bar vice cop job? Say what you will, but those chicks have even more VD than they tell you about in school. I mean, it's kind of hot...but in that "it BURNS when I pee" kind of hot. Never stopped me from wresslin' up some poon...know whaddI'm sayin'? Yeah...I know you do. You REBEL.
it stings when you pee too? cool. i can't tell if mine stings from the std's or the hood ring.
I'd be good as a veterinary masturbater. As good as I give it to myself...and the stamina I have due to frequency...Yeah, I'd be a good jizz collector for the vet.
The fact that that's the very first thing that flashed through my head is somewhat scary though, especially on account of I was serious.
What the hell is wrong with me? Until some other time...
Note to self: Don't follow lunch by reading Jeff's comments.
:)
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